Tragedy
by Macarons and Muffins
Summary: Joey Boswell's wedding day should have been the happiest day of his life. But instead, things did not go as planned.


**I'm surprised by the title of this fic.**

 **Because I don't write Tragedies.**

 **But whatever, here we go.**

 **I don't own the rights to Bread, among many other things.**

 **ALSO before you finish this fic and get really mad at me for what happened in it, please read the AN at the end, which will explain why I did what I did.**

* * *

His heart pounded as he stared down the aisle expectantly, waiting in vain for her to show up. The crowd was waiting, a sea of extravagant hats and wide eyed smiles, and the organ had begun to chime in. Joey sucked in a deep breath, ringing his hands together. He was usually composed and suave, but this was nothing short of terrifying. His usual arrogant grin split his face, but anyone who scrutinised him would see the slight hints of strain, the flush that crossed his skin and the worry lining his brow.

He did not have cold feet, far from it, but his nerves were getting the better of him. It was out of character for Joey, the man who had the confidence to stride around town as if he owned the place, but his Achilles heel was her, the dark haired beauty who- despite her frigid attitude towards him on several occasions- had finally consented to marry him. But now, as he fiddled with his bow tie anxiously, he had the vision of waiting all afternoon, until coming to the dreadful conclusion that she had not turned up, how the guests would look at him with pity- and if there was one thing Joey hated, it was pity; so belittling, as if he was a helpless person who needed charity...

His spiralling train of thought cut off abruptly when the doors creaked open. The guests rose fluidly, and the organ began to surge, a familiar tune piping out.

Joey's face cracked into another smile, but it was genuine this time, as a vision in white began slipping down the aisle. A veil hid her face, her wedding dress simple yet elegant, and she was almost there now, time moving in strange lurches as she made her way towards him. This was everything Joey had dreamed of for years now, since he first fell for her, and he was happy.

Wasn't he?

His grin seemed to grow heavier every minute, and he was shocked at how hard he was fighting to keep his smile present. It was just nerves, he told himself firmly, just anxiety gnawing at his stomach. Of course he was happy, beyond happy. This was a perfect moment and nothing could ruin it.

She paused beside him, and lifted her veil gently; she had refused to be given away, feeling that it wasa childish custom. Her face stared at him shrewdly from under it, her fringed pinned away to reveal her hooded eyes.

"Roxy." He breathed, with a smile. She smiled back, and Joey could not determine whether or not it was genuine- though obviously it would be genuine, he reminded himself; she had agreed to this, after all.

"Joey," she replied, eyes gleaming. "I love you."

"Love you too, princess."

And as the ceremony began to flow onwards, Joey was surrounded with the traditional wedding fare; the hymns echoing around the church, the light shining through the stained glass windows onto his bride-to-be's face and bathing it in a heavenly glow, the smell of the roses that adorned the pews and smiles, everywhere. Taking it all in, he wondered why he had ever felt that twinge of unease before, and decided to dismiss it all as nothing but last minute jitters. This was a perfect occasion, and his heart felt as if it was full to burst. It was so close to the binding words now, the moment when they would officially be man and wife, and he was almost wishing for it to speed up just a little, so that she would be his wife, finally, after all these years of longing for it.

"If anyone here has a reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The Vicar (the wedding was in a proddie church, despite many tantrums on Nellie's part) announced the words halfheartedly to the congregation, and Joey felt the urge to laugh at this. It was an important part of the cerimony, yet the tradition seemed redundant. Of course there was no reason why they should not be married; there was a pause, and then the Vicar cleared his throat slightly, directing his gaze back to the book he held, prepared to move on to the final vows...

"Well, well, well. What a beautiful wedding."

A wave of heads turned towards the back of the church, before murmurs and gasps began to echo around the building. Joey strained his neck, staring towards the figure who had spoken... Before frowning, deeply. This man was unfamiliar, and unlike anyone he had ever seen before. He leaned casually against the doors to the church, dressed bizarrely in what could best be described as a ringmaster's outfit; a sweeping red coat and tails, white gloves, and a velvet top hat angled over his face. Joey noted that he even held a cane in one hand, and had the strange desire to laugh.

"Ah... Greetings, son!" Joey called out, his voice echoing around the high ceilings of the church. "Sorry, but would you mind explaining who you are, and why you're here?"

He feared, for a brief moment, that he would turn out to be some long lost husband of Roxy's, and yet when Joey's eyes flickered to his bride for just a moment, her face was etched with as much confusion as his was.

The man at the back of the church did not answer, merely chuckled darkly to himself, running his hand along the brim of his hat. Joey felt irritation bubble up inside him; who was this bizarre person, and why were they ruining his wedding?

"How did you get in here, anyway?" Roxy snapped, dropping her bouquet so she could fold her arms sulkily around her chest. The man shrugged, twirling his cane around in his gloved hands.

"It was too easy to get in. I mean, Haven't you people ever heard of closing the God Damn door?" He smirked, and there was a ripple of shocked hisses from the crowd, who were all eying this spectacle hesitantly, unsure of what to make of it.

Then Nellie Boswell Rose to her feet triumphantly, glaring at the man in question.

"Don't you dare use the Lord's name in Vain," she bellowed, the pitch of her voice making several people in the pews around her flinch. "Even if it is in a (a customary shudder) Proddie church."

More murmurs from the crowd, several indignant at the way Nellie had regarded their denomination; Joey could have sworn he saw the Vicar roll his eyes irritably. But the stranger was clearly oblivious to Nellie's anger, and he began slowly striding forward to the front of the church, making Roxy flinch. Joey was a little concerned now; this man seemed like a lunatic, barging into someone's wedding with a cane that could be potentially used as a weapon...

"Stay away, son, or I'm not afraid to phone the police..." Joey warned him, unthinkingly stepping in front of his fiancée in case the man was a danger to her. A foot or so awayl however, the man stopped, head snapping up to face Joey, his lips curled into a sly smile. And Joey was shocked to see that he was younger than he had expected, a slight boyish quality to his face as if he had only just reached adulthood.

"What a beautiful wedding," the man repeated, gesturing dramatically to the setting around him. "What a beautiful wedding- ah, yes, but what a shame..." He paused tipping his came towards Roxy, who Joey immediately shielded.

"What a shame the poor Groom's bride is a _whore_."

Outraged shrieks filled the church at this, several members of the congregation rising to their feet and yelling protests at the stranger, defending Roxy. Even Nellie, who had never particularly liked Joey's fiancée at all, began bellowing once again at the man. Joey clenched his teeth, approaching the man and feeling a surge of satisfaction at the realisation that he was much taller than whoever this wedding-ruining stranger was.

"Don't you dare talk about her like that," Joey threatened him, leaning in close to the man, who did not seem intimidated in the slightest. "She is nothing of the sort- and if you insult her like that again, sunshine, then I'll..."

But before he could finish with a string of colourful threats, the man pressed a gloved finger to Joey's lips, making him tremble with rage at the nerve of this person?

"Don't be sad," the man smirked, shaking his head. "In fact- look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved!"

Joey shoved the man away from him roughly, shaking his head.

"I 'ave no idea what you are going on about, but you 'ave two minutes to get out this church or I will put a gob on you like a rubber duck."

The Vicar looked a little concerned by this altercation, and stepped forward to press a hand gently to Joey's shoulder in a semblance of comfort.

"Please, if you could just calm down, my son..."

Joey shook his head, and with great effort, managed to lose some of the tension in his body.

"Of course. Sorry." He shook his head, before attempting to approach the bizarre man sensibly. "Look, I don't know what you want, but-"

Apparently the man was elated, though, and ignored Joey's clear anger, whirling around and throwing his hands up at the infuriated guests.

"Well, this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne!"

Joey groaned, and Roxy leapt forward, grabbing the man by the shoulders of his coat and pulling him around to face her sharply.

"What do you want?" She whined at him, shaking her head. "I should've known my wedding would be ruined, nothing in my life goes well for me, poor Roxy Hartwell who has had to struggle for everything..."

She dissolved into sobs; Joey rushed to her side, pulling her into an embrace and glowering at the man.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," The man said lightly, twirling his cane around in one hand and staring at it. "You do realise she's been cheating on you? Constantly?"

This led to another round of dramatic gasps from the congregation in the church, and scattered murmurs filled the air, people debating whether or not this was true. Joey shook his head furiously, stepping forward.

"You're lying." He said bluntly. "What are you trying to say, son, that she's been cheating with you?"

The man snorted, shaking his head so hard that his top hat almost fell off. "God, no," he scoffed, narrowing his eyes and giving Roxy a disgusted look that made Joey's blood boil even further. "But I know things. Special things. I know that she's been sleeping around, behind your back. With a number of men, might I add..."

"You liar!" Roxy moaned melodramatically, before shoving the man out the way and streaking down the aisle, her white dress flowing out behind her as she did. Joey made a move to rush after her, but the man stepped pointedly in front of him, making him growl. This was a nightmare, and he wondered if it was someone's idea of a sick joke. The day he had been awaiting for so long had been turned on it's head and destroyed, by some ridiculous stranger that he had never seen before in his life, and who seemed to be taking some sadistic pleasure from ruining what should have been the best day of Joey and Roxy's lives.

"Will you get out the bloody way, son!" Joey snapped, what little bit of patience he'd had for this gatecrasher finally gone. All he could think about now was Roxy, the woman who by now _should_ be wearing a glistening wedding ring on her finger, and how she had fled in despair. What if she ran away and blamed Joey for this catastrophic turn of events? As much as he loved Roxy, that was most definitely the sort of thing she would do.

"Listen-"

"No, you listen," and to his horror, a gloved hand grabbed the collar of Joey's shirt, dark brown eyes glaring into Joey's blue ones. And though he was far taller and more built than this man, and could easily overpower him, Joey was admittedly a little concerned by the fire he saw in there, and the fact that this clearly insane stranger could potentially kill him.

"It's better to treat these kind of things with a sense of poise and rationality."

Joey usually liked profound sayings, but right now he was not in the mood for them, especially when they were out of context and in an extremely stressful situation.

"What does that even mean?" Joey shook his head furiously, attempting to shove the man off, though for some bizarre reason, he seemed unable to overpower him...

Then the man turned on his heel, still clutching Joey's collar, and started pulling him towards the doors of the church, Joey stumbling after him in shock, while the guests rushed up, a cacophony of voices sounding out through the church as they tried to pull the man off Joey, though somehow it was to no avail.

"Why don't you see what your precious bride is up to?" The man smirked, throwing the doors of the church open and pointing Joey in the direction of a figure in a white dress, Joey's heart leapt with relief at the sight of Roxy... Until he realised just exactly what she was doing. Roxy's arms were wrapped around a man's neck and it was clear from the way her head was twisting around that she was in the middle of a deep and thorough kiss.

Joey's heart felt as if it would shatter into a thousand pieces. He stared in horror and betrayal, unable to see anything except the fact that this bizarre and eccentric man was right, that Roxy was cheating on him...

Then she turned around, her lipstick smeared across her face, and Joey tensed when he realised just who she had been kissing.

"Shifty, you bastard!" He yelled, only for a hand to clamp over his mouth- there was no surprise that it was a hand wearing a white glove.

"Poise and rationality!" The man hissed in his ear, but Joey shoved him off successfully this time, storming over to his fiancée and his snake of a cousin.

"Oh, Joey," Roxy deadpanned, shaking her head. "This is going to be one of those cards that you pull every time you feel like guilt tripping me, isn't it?"

Joey stared at her incredulously, and suddenly he felt an inexplicable pang of disgust towards Roxy, Roxy and her passive-aggressive statements she used to manipulate him with, Roxy who thought it was perfectly fine to go and cheat on him with his own cousin on their wedding day.

"Well, yes, actually, you bloody well should feel guilty, princess." He snapped. Roxy narrowed her eyes, looking moodily insulted.

"Why, just because I kissed someone else on our wedding day?" She shook her head furiously. "I don't understand you, Joey Boswell. You're so selfish. You're always thinking about YOU in this relationship, aren't you?"

Joey frowned. "I'm sorry, Roxy, love... I do love you, and I don't want to be-"

There was the sound of a throat being cleared; Joey turned to see the man giving him a disdainful look, one eyebrow raised in bewilderment, and he realised just how ridiculous that was.

"No," he shook his head. "No, Roxy. I'm not playing your games any more. And Shifty..." He shook his head, unable to even figure out what to say to his cousin. "How could you do this to me?"

Shifty stared at him, face covered with false innocence as he gaped at Joey.

"I don't know what you're talking about." his Irish brogue was thick, and grated on Joey more than usual at that point in time. "I wasn't kissing your fiancée! I thought she was Grandad 'avin a bad fall, and I was just 'elping him up and giving him CPR!"

This was such a pathetic excuse that Joey didn't even know how to respond to it, apart from lunging forward and punching Shifty, but he usually preferred not to use violence, and so he straightened up, tweaking his bow tie.

"Look, I want you both to leave." He tried to stay calm, but his fists were clenched at his sides. Roxy's jaw dropped dramatically.

"I knew you didn't love me, Joey," she said sourly, shaking her head. "Don't worry about me, you know. I'll go and stay in some fleabag motel-"

Joey was so tempted to run to her and say he was forgiving her, but he steeled himself.

"You have a house, Roxy," he replied flatly, though she was apparently not going to let this fact get in the way of her sob story. Her eyes brimmed with crocodile tears as she leaned forward, trying her hardest to manipulate Joey, though he honestly didn't see the point it- did she even genuinely love him, he wondered, if she was so eager to snog Shiftty, of all people, behind his back.

"My fleabag house," she continued dramatically, shaking her head. "With stripped wallpaper and rotting floorboards- No, Joey, just leave me, I'll do fine on me own, just starving to death..."

"Just... Go..."

Roxy narrowed her eyes at him, before she stormed off, Shifty following in hot pursuit. When they apparently thought they weren't in Joey's line of sight anymore, though in fact they were only two or so feet away, they paused, before Roxy wrapped her arms around Shifty's neck, and they began kissing again.

"Let's steal some cars!" Shifty suggested emphatically, and Roxy pulled away.

"Oh, yes," she said sourly, shaking her head. "Care more about your cars than you care about me, Shifty Boswell. Never mind that my wedding just fell apart and I was left at the alter, just think about your cars..."

Joey turned to the gatecrasher incredulously, completely bewildered by the ridiculous turn of events that had just happened. The gate crashing man had his arms folded, and an extremely satisfied look on his face. Joey wasn't sure whether or not to thank him, or to punch him in the face.

"So... happens now?" He asked bitterly, gesturing to his ex fiancée, who was currently wailing at Shifty about the hardships of her life, and the man tapped a gloved finger to his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, first of all, I think I end up growing out my hair and going through a hippie phase, then I realise how sexy I am and start wearing waistcoats and bow ties, and then I discover vine and-"

Joey barely understood any of that, and shook his head, frustrated.

"No, I mean with me," he corrected, smoothing out the creases of his tuxedo. The man raised an eyebrow, before smirking at Joey.

"Why don't you ask out Martina?" He grinned slyly, and Joey was just going to ask how on earth he knew about Martina when he was silenced by the man pulling his velvet top hat from his head and dropping it on Joey's instead, making Joey frown.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" He was surprised that he hadn't asked him before, in fact. The man just gave him a knowing smile, shaking his head, and Joey gritted his teeth in irritation.

"Actually, I need that top hat back, so I can put steampunk goggles on it five years from now," he said suddenly, pulling it off Joey's head. Joey felt as though nothing would shock him at this moment in time, considering how bizarre (not to mention unrealistic and out of character) this day( fic) had been, and yet he was still shocked out of his mind when the man literally dematerialised in a burst of cliché sparkles.

Joey stared at the spot where he had disappeared for a moment, before furrowing his brow, thoroughly confused. Then someone tapped his shoulder and he jumped, expecting to see the man grinning lopsidedly at him again, or Roxy...

But instead it was Martina, and she looked just as confused as he was.

"Mister Boswell..." She raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is going on? I was doing work, and suddenly I've appeared 'ere, in _this..._ "

She gestured down sharply, and suddenly Joey realised that she was in a wedding dress. He was so exhausted at this point that he did not know how to respond, except to smile wearily at her.

"I 'ave no idea, sunshine. But... Since you're 'ere, and in a wedding dress, and there's a whole church of people expecting a wedding..."

He half expected Martina to snap "No" and march off, but was instead greeted with a dry smile.

"Well, since this is completely unrealistic and out of character anyway..." She shrugged. "Fine. I'll marry you, Mister Boswell. But only because I want to find out just where you keep your secret money..."

And they walked into the church, Joey slipping his arm through Martina's- though pulling away when she rolled her eyes and cuffed the back of his head. As they stepped inside, Joey thought for just a moment he heard the faint chime of some strange, lilting background music...

Then he shrugged it off, and turned inside to marry Martina.

* * *

 **Well, you know what? The title of this fic did not fit at all. Because this fic is in no way a Tragedy.**

 **It's so bad and so stupid, really, that it's more of a... A sin.**

 **Oh well. I guess I write sins, not Tragedies.**

 **(Okay, but seriously, this is a JOKE. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. THIS IS JUST ME BEING ANNOYING AND STUPID IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE FUNNY.)**


End file.
